Are things just better as a Fantasy?

So I was watching one of my favorite TV shows last night, and it got me thinking. Are things just better as a fantasy? Let me explain my question with a little back ground.

So I have been seeing the same guy on and off for over 3 years. The first 2 were really rocky and I ended up hurt a lot. See, when I first started seeing him (Let’s pretend his name is John), things were awesome…like they are in most relationships…but he was not like most guys. He was shy and sweet and not wanting to just get in my pants. We hung out several times without even kissing..and even longer before we were intimate. He is older than me and had only been with a couple of people, which is very rare. Because of this, I always gave him the benefit of the doubt when he acted shady. When I say shady, this is what I mean….

Things would be going awesome for us..not fighting or arguing or anything…then all of a sudden, he would tell me he just needs a break….Not thinking anything about it being on a Friday…I just figured he’s weird like that and was scared to be in a relationship…. Then Monday would roll around and he would start texting me, after not hearing from him all weekend I might add, and telling me how much he missed me all weekend….then things were on again. Now this happened all the time. I was confused and heart broken all at the same time, but still gave him the benefit of the doubt.

Then, one weekend on one of our splits, I decided to be different. I drove over to his house Sunday night  to sneak a little card on his front door, so that when he opened it in the morning, he would have it and maybe my words would help him know that I really did care for him and really did love him. Well, I walked up the stairs and he must have heard me. I could hear him get up off the couch and start walking over to the door. In a panic, I got right up against his house, so that if he looked out the window, he wouldn’t see me. I don’t know why I was so scared for him to see me there. I guess I just didn’t want him to think I was snooping. Moments later, I hear him sit back on the couch, which I might add was right against the window I was hiding below. I guess that’s why I could hear so well. He apparently was on the phone when I walked up and once he sat back down, he started talking again….I sat there for a moment just to make sure it was ok to get up…and his words caught me off guard. Now maybe I was mistaken because I wasn’t really focusing on what he was saying. I just wanted to leave the card and jet out of there…but were my ears mistaking me?? The words he said made my heart stop.

Just because I came to see you this weekend, doesn’t mean I want to get back together. I need time for that. I still don’t trust you but I love you.

I decided not to leave the card and just left… with my mind racing.

Were my ears mistaken? What did that mean? Who was he talking to? What is going on?

As I laid in bed that night thinking, everything started making sense. That’s why he would break up with me on the weekends. That’s why he was shady sometimes. He was with someone else. How could I have been so stupid?

I wanted so much just to call him up and tell him exactly what I thought…but how was I going to explain why I was at his house ducked down beside his window?? I didn’t leave the card so he would think I was snooping. I laid there until I couldn’t think anymore and just went to sleep.

The next morning, I got my normal text.

Hey, what are you doing? I missed you this weekend.”

At first I didn’t want to reply. What was I going to say? But then I started second guessing my hearing. What if that wasn’t what I heard and I ruin it all?

“Hey you. I missed you too as usual. I don’t know why you keep ending things then coming right back. Is everything ok?”

John said “Yeah, you know how I am. I just think I’m scared.”

“You shouldn’t be scared. I won’t hurt you.”

….then we were on again. This time I was a little more hesitant. I’m protecting myself this time. The more I thought about it, the more I began to believe myself. Everything just makes sense. The shadiness, the not wanting me to stay the night or when I do stay, I can’t have my car at his house because he doesn’t want his “parents” to know….just so many things. It started eating at me and then my crazy side came out.  I went to Walmart and bought a voice recorder, went to his house, and put it in his work truck before he left for work the next morning. (the recorder was the kind that only turned on when something made a noise). Maybe I could figure something out.

Later that night, I went back to his house, parking my car a little down the street. I got the recorder, went back to my car, and sat there. I think deep down, I didn’t want to hear it. I just knew there was someone else. I didn’t want it to be true. Maybe if I don’t listen, and ignore my instincts, it will all go away and I will live happily ever after.

Then I clicked play.

At first there was a bunch of static. I could hear the radio. I heard a few conversations with his friends….then there it was…the call I didn’t want to hear.

Hey love. How’s your day?…Why don’t you drive your sexy a$$ over here and give me some of that p!*@y?

What the crap?? I’ve never heard him even talk like that before. He was always so innocent…but I guess not…because I just heard otherwise.

Who could that be? Then it hit me.  See, a couple months back, we were working out at the gym together. He had picked me up at my place and we drove there together. When we were about to leave, he looked at his phone and acted weird. He said his friend called and wants to meet him right down the road for a second and he wanted me to sit at the gym and wait for him to come back. It didn’t make sense but I said...”Ok, whatever, just let me grab my purse out of your truck”… but he didn’t want me to. He got really mad that I even said that and said, “fine…whatever. Lets just go.” We walked out of the gym and I was all confused. As we walk across the parking lot, a car pulls up and a few girls jump out. One girl kept screaming…“Who the hell is that John??” while pointing at me. She came up and slapped him in the face a few times and kept screaming. Another girl kept screaming and pointing at the girl that slapped him saying to me “this is his girlfriend!” He told me to just ignore them and go back in the gym. I took off running and he was right behind me….then the car took off. He just said that it was his ex girlfriend and she was crazy and won’t get over him.

That has to be who this was. After all that stuff happened, I did my research and found out who she was… I knew her name and number at least….then put it out of my mind. See, what you don’t know is..I’m good at blocking out things. That will be told in a different story some other day…

Anyway, that night, I used the number. I sent her a long text telling her what happened and what I had heard him say on the recording…and that I was done with him… she can have him….and she text me back wanting to talk.

Turns out, they had been seeing each other all along and that was were he was on the weekends he broke it off with me.

That turned out to be a big clusterfu@k. But it helped him make a decision, and that was to be with me. He said she never showed she loved him and her kid was a little devil…(she was married once before him)….and she was just crazy. He was supposedly only nice to her because he felt sorry for her. I believed it…

So now that you are caught up, maybe things will make more sense. There is so much more to tell but I need to get to my topic instead of writing a book…Just know he hurt me more than I’ve ever been hurt before.

During one of the breakups, I hung out with a guy one of my friends tried to hook me up with before I even knew John. Back then, he just seemed arrogant, but when I actually  hung out with him, he was so different. He just has a weird sense of humor that is hard to understand at first…I really liked this guy because he got me. He knew things I thought before I even said then out loud…no one has ever done that. He was married once before to a lady that already had a kid. He adopted the kid, and maybe a year or so later, they got divorced because she cheated. He had picked up extra hours to be able to support them and she didn’t work…and SHE cheated on him!! That was several years ago, and she’s already remarried but he still gets the kid on the weekend and spends all his time with him. He’s so good to that kid even though it’s not his…and he seems just genuinely nice.

Anyway, so back to my question…Are things just better as a fantasy?

Even though I am with John, I think back about the other guy a lot. I know he was crazy about me. I’ve seen him out and about a few times and I know he still really cares for me. I fantasize about how things would be with him. How he’s so unselfish and I know he would treat me amazing like every girl should be treated. I have contemplated leaving John for him. Every time we get in our little fights over stupid things, I think, this is my time to out. I should leave. …but I can’t. He always sucks me back in. His sweet words and his apologies….and the fear of being wrong over the other guy. Maybe things will be just the same as they are with John. Things are always awesome when you barely know them… then the true side comes out… but you just never know until you give some one a chance. Maybe I should leave the other guy as my fantasy. There is no point in taking a chance of getting hurt like I did before….Especially since things are fine with me and John now…But everyone deserves to be happy, right?

Advertisements

About Crazy A...

I'm a rambler. I like to talk about random things...life, beauty, music, etc.
This entry was posted in life and tagged , , , , , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

One Response to Are things just better as a Fantasy?

  1. I don’t know if everyone “deserves” to be happy – although the optimist in me would like to believe the world might be a better place in that case. Painful experience has taught me that part of my happiness depends upon having both fantasies and reality; finding the right balance is tricky sometimes. Another part of my happiness depends upon my ability to express myself; to write about the real world as I’ve lived it and to draw or photograph images of the places I’ve been. Hopefully, by sharing those things here, it can either inspire others to fantasize about traveling to some of those places or remind them of their own real experiences. Seeking the balance between fantasy and reality in relationships must be approached a little differently. If you do a critical self-assessment of your wants, your needs, your absolute no-no’s, and the things you’ll compromise on, you’ll be in a better position to see which man – if either – will fit into your life for the long-term.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s