Weekend plans for the 4th, RUINED!

Well, we’ve been planning this party for a few months now. Rented a $400 inflatable water slide, borrowed tables and chairs, bought horse shoes and all kinds of other “adult” fun stuff, and invited all our families and closest friends….which I might add is well over 50 people.. We’ve spent a lot of money on it…all for what??? Nothing!! It’s going to be yucky and rainy all day. ;( The only good thing is you get wet on the water slide, so at least the kids will have fun….and I will have 50+ adults around my house, which isn’t that big anyway, all crammed in there like sardines. Lord I hope the rain clears up and the weather forecast is wrong for tomorrow. 😦

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Friday at last

Well, today is Friday, and boy am I glad. It seems like the weeks are just getting longer and longer…Which I think that is kinda weird considering I don’t really have anything to look forward to on the weekends. Maybe it’s because I’m not really liking my job right now…or maybe it’s because I’m always just so tired. It’s probably the job thing though. I think I have probably one of the easiest jobs in the world. I have to make about 15 calls a day and that’s it. I get an occasional inbound call, but not many. My 15 calls I have done in the first 2 hours of work…and that’s dragging it out a bit. Then I spend the rest of my work day on Pinterest and Youtube….and I am running out of things to look up. :/ I’ve signed up for 2 different beauty boxes because of Youtube too. For those of you that don’t know what that is, look up Birchbox or Ipsy. They are mail order boxes of samples…sometimes you get full samples! Anyway, I’m going to start doing reviews on them I think and posting it on Youtube like all the videos I have seen. Is that pathetic, or what? What else is there to do while I am at work to keep me occupied??

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How to pick a card for a father like that?

mendadfathersday2013

Yesterday was fathers day. I took time out of my weekend to go see my dad, even though I feel like he never made much effort to see me when I was younger. It was actually kinda nice. He hasn’t had a drop to drink since Feb. this year and that is a huge deal to me and my older sister. See, he’s been an alcoholic my whole life. Had beer for breakfast, lunch, and dinner. It’s weird seeing him now. I feel like the connection I should have with him isn’t there. It’s hard to put my walls down after all this time. The hurt he caused when I was little is hard to forget. Sometimes neglect is worse that physical abuse. Well, to me it is, but I’ve never been physically abused. I bought my dad 3 shirts and a card. The shirts were easy to pick out….but the card…that part was hard. Most of the fathers day cards say things like…”I have learn so much from you” or “you have always been there for me” or other lovey things like that. I can’t say that and I’m not going to buy a card talking about how awesome he has always been when it’s not true. I ended up getting him a card that said something like…”From your daughter, today is a day to say I love you.” Well, it may have been a smidge bit longer but that was pretty much what it said. I wrote inside something like..” I’m definitely not the best at showing it but I just want you to know that no matter what, I love you and always will. Don’t ever forget that.”… I think I did a good job on that part. What else can I really say? Maybe one day we will be like we should. Maybe…

 

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I need your help with this WordPress

Ok, So I want to make different tabs (pages) for my posts under this blog….For instance, I have a music tab that I would like my Music blogs to be under…but I can’t figure out how to move things over there. Can anyone help??

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You Are the Best Thing – Ray LaMontagne

I just wanted to share this wonderful song with all of you. I hope you love it as much as I do. The lyrics are posted below. 🙂

Baby, it’s been a long day, baby
Things ain’t going my way
You know I need you here
Here by my side
All of the time

And baby, the way you move me it’s crazy
It’s like you see right through me
And you make it easier
You please me and you don’t even have to try

Oh because, you are the best thing
You are the best thing
You are the best thing
Ever happened to me

Baby, we’ve come a long way, baby
You know, I hope and I pray that you believe me
When I say this love will never fade away

Oh because, you are the best thing
You are the best thing
You are the best thing
Ever happened to me

Now both of us have known love before
To come on up promising, like the spring, just walk on out the door
Our hearts are strong and are hearts are kind
Well, let me tell you what exactly is on my mind

You are the best thing
You are the best thing
You are the best thing
Ever happened to me

You are the best thing
You are the best thing
You are the best thing
Ever happened to me

Yeah, yeah
Yeah, yeah, yeah
Now, now, now, now

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Are things just better as a Fantasy?

So I was watching one of my favorite TV shows last night, and it got me thinking. Are things just better as a fantasy? Let me explain my question with a little back ground.

So I have been seeing the same guy on and off for over 3 years. The first 2 were really rocky and I ended up hurt a lot. See, when I first started seeing him (Let’s pretend his name is John), things were awesome…like they are in most relationships…but he was not like most guys. He was shy and sweet and not wanting to just get in my pants. We hung out several times without even kissing..and even longer before we were intimate. He is older than me and had only been with a couple of people, which is very rare. Because of this, I always gave him the benefit of the doubt when he acted shady. When I say shady, this is what I mean….

Things would be going awesome for us..not fighting or arguing or anything…then all of a sudden, he would tell me he just needs a break….Not thinking anything about it being on a Friday…I just figured he’s weird like that and was scared to be in a relationship…. Then Monday would roll around and he would start texting me, after not hearing from him all weekend I might add, and telling me how much he missed me all weekend….then things were on again. Now this happened all the time. I was confused and heart broken all at the same time, but still gave him the benefit of the doubt.

Then, one weekend on one of our splits, I decided to be different. I drove over to his house Sunday night  to sneak a little card on his front door, so that when he opened it in the morning, he would have it and maybe my words would help him know that I really did care for him and really did love him. Well, I walked up the stairs and he must have heard me. I could hear him get up off the couch and start walking over to the door. In a panic, I got right up against his house, so that if he looked out the window, he wouldn’t see me. I don’t know why I was so scared for him to see me there. I guess I just didn’t want him to think I was snooping. Moments later, I hear him sit back on the couch, which I might add was right against the window I was hiding below. I guess that’s why I could hear so well. He apparently was on the phone when I walked up and once he sat back down, he started talking again….I sat there for a moment just to make sure it was ok to get up…and his words caught me off guard. Now maybe I was mistaken because I wasn’t really focusing on what he was saying. I just wanted to leave the card and jet out of there…but were my ears mistaking me?? The words he said made my heart stop.

Just because I came to see you this weekend, doesn’t mean I want to get back together. I need time for that. I still don’t trust you but I love you.

I decided not to leave the card and just left… with my mind racing.

Were my ears mistaken? What did that mean? Who was he talking to? What is going on?

As I laid in bed that night thinking, everything started making sense. That’s why he would break up with me on the weekends. That’s why he was shady sometimes. He was with someone else. How could I have been so stupid?

I wanted so much just to call him up and tell him exactly what I thought…but how was I going to explain why I was at his house ducked down beside his window?? I didn’t leave the card so he would think I was snooping. I laid there until I couldn’t think anymore and just went to sleep.

The next morning, I got my normal text.

Hey, what are you doing? I missed you this weekend.”

At first I didn’t want to reply. What was I going to say? But then I started second guessing my hearing. What if that wasn’t what I heard and I ruin it all?

“Hey you. I missed you too as usual. I don’t know why you keep ending things then coming right back. Is everything ok?”

John said “Yeah, you know how I am. I just think I’m scared.”

“You shouldn’t be scared. I won’t hurt you.”

….then we were on again. This time I was a little more hesitant. I’m protecting myself this time. The more I thought about it, the more I began to believe myself. Everything just makes sense. The shadiness, the not wanting me to stay the night or when I do stay, I can’t have my car at his house because he doesn’t want his “parents” to know….just so many things. It started eating at me and then my crazy side came out.  I went to Walmart and bought a voice recorder, went to his house, and put it in his work truck before he left for work the next morning. (the recorder was the kind that only turned on when something made a noise). Maybe I could figure something out.

Later that night, I went back to his house, parking my car a little down the street. I got the recorder, went back to my car, and sat there. I think deep down, I didn’t want to hear it. I just knew there was someone else. I didn’t want it to be true. Maybe if I don’t listen, and ignore my instincts, it will all go away and I will live happily ever after.

Then I clicked play.

At first there was a bunch of static. I could hear the radio. I heard a few conversations with his friends….then there it was…the call I didn’t want to hear.

Hey love. How’s your day?…Why don’t you drive your sexy a$$ over here and give me some of that p!*@y?

What the crap?? I’ve never heard him even talk like that before. He was always so innocent…but I guess not…because I just heard otherwise.

Who could that be? Then it hit me.  See, a couple months back, we were working out at the gym together. He had picked me up at my place and we drove there together. When we were about to leave, he looked at his phone and acted weird. He said his friend called and wants to meet him right down the road for a second and he wanted me to sit at the gym and wait for him to come back. It didn’t make sense but I said...”Ok, whatever, just let me grab my purse out of your truck”… but he didn’t want me to. He got really mad that I even said that and said, “fine…whatever. Lets just go.” We walked out of the gym and I was all confused. As we walk across the parking lot, a car pulls up and a few girls jump out. One girl kept screaming…“Who the hell is that John??” while pointing at me. She came up and slapped him in the face a few times and kept screaming. Another girl kept screaming and pointing at the girl that slapped him saying to me “this is his girlfriend!” He told me to just ignore them and go back in the gym. I took off running and he was right behind me….then the car took off. He just said that it was his ex girlfriend and she was crazy and won’t get over him.

That has to be who this was. After all that stuff happened, I did my research and found out who she was… I knew her name and number at least….then put it out of my mind. See, what you don’t know is..I’m good at blocking out things. That will be told in a different story some other day…

Anyway, that night, I used the number. I sent her a long text telling her what happened and what I had heard him say on the recording…and that I was done with him… she can have him….and she text me back wanting to talk.

Turns out, they had been seeing each other all along and that was were he was on the weekends he broke it off with me.

That turned out to be a big clusterfu@k. But it helped him make a decision, and that was to be with me. He said she never showed she loved him and her kid was a little devil…(she was married once before him)….and she was just crazy. He was supposedly only nice to her because he felt sorry for her. I believed it…

So now that you are caught up, maybe things will make more sense. There is so much more to tell but I need to get to my topic instead of writing a book…Just know he hurt me more than I’ve ever been hurt before.

During one of the breakups, I hung out with a guy one of my friends tried to hook me up with before I even knew John. Back then, he just seemed arrogant, but when I actually  hung out with him, he was so different. He just has a weird sense of humor that is hard to understand at first…I really liked this guy because he got me. He knew things I thought before I even said then out loud…no one has ever done that. He was married once before to a lady that already had a kid. He adopted the kid, and maybe a year or so later, they got divorced because she cheated. He had picked up extra hours to be able to support them and she didn’t work…and SHE cheated on him!! That was several years ago, and she’s already remarried but he still gets the kid on the weekend and spends all his time with him. He’s so good to that kid even though it’s not his…and he seems just genuinely nice.

Anyway, so back to my question…Are things just better as a fantasy?

Even though I am with John, I think back about the other guy a lot. I know he was crazy about me. I’ve seen him out and about a few times and I know he still really cares for me. I fantasize about how things would be with him. How he’s so unselfish and I know he would treat me amazing like every girl should be treated. I have contemplated leaving John for him. Every time we get in our little fights over stupid things, I think, this is my time to out. I should leave. …but I can’t. He always sucks me back in. His sweet words and his apologies….and the fear of being wrong over the other guy. Maybe things will be just the same as they are with John. Things are always awesome when you barely know them… then the true side comes out… but you just never know until you give some one a chance. Maybe I should leave the other guy as my fantasy. There is no point in taking a chance of getting hurt like I did before….Especially since things are fine with me and John now…But everyone deserves to be happy, right?

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Love is what you make it

Love is what you make it

Sometimes people have a hard time putting walls down to enjoy it and some times its hard letting go. Love is what you make it. Happiness, Hopeless… It’s power over rules everything. Listen to your heart and your head and look out for yourself because in all actuality, YOU are all YOU have!

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The Psyhco in Me

We’ve all been there…whether we like to admit it or not, we have. Just maybe not as drastic as I was…Maybe just through Facebook or Twitter or whatever…

Here’s my story….I was in love…or so I thought…The guy was a few years younger than me, but he was so different than other guys. (Aren’t they always??) He was romantic, and thoughtful, and sweet, and charming, and wanted to spend all his time with me….he was everything but a normal guy. I couldn’t get enough of him nor him me. He practically moved in with me and never wanted to hang out with anyone else. Then time passed and things changed. I started seeing him less because he had things to “do.” Slowly but surely, reality set in and I realized how wrong I really was about him. He’s not who I thought he was. He just put on a good show to suck me in…Then….was just like every other guy I have ever met. He cheated on me. I was heart broken. It was with a girl he worked with…even younger than him (Always for the younger chicks, right??) At first it started with little stories about her and what they did at work…”Oh, every Wednesday one of us stops and gets hot dogs. That’s our lunch”….”Oh, she’s so cool. She stopped by my friends house and I just happen to be there….and we played rock band.”…”I’m trying to set her best friend up with my friend.”…”Oh, that wasn’t her who just text me saying “Hello?!”….Some of the little stories could make sense, but others didn’t. Why would she write him saying “Hello?” unless he’d had already been texting and then didn’t reply to her last message or she was expecting one from him? And it’s crazy how she just happen to show up at his friends…which she has NO connection to at all….Yeah, well…the feeling crept over me. The suspicion set in…and I was determined to find out without having to bluntly ask because I knew he would only lie any way. I knew he was seeing her. I just had to find out for myself. I had to see it with my own eyes….and so…the journey began. At first, I drove by his house….he wasn’t there so on to his friends..(which I might add was 30 mins away from where I live)….and his car was there…along with another car I’ve never seen before…so I parked my car down the street and snuck up close to the house and sat there in the bushes and waited. ..I text him while I was there and it went something like:

“Ah babe, I wish you were here. I really miss you.”

(him)…”I miss you too love. I’m just over at my aunts and my mom will be mad if I leave. You know how mom is.”

“I know. Have fun 😦 tell your mom I said hey and text me later.”

….All this while I am sitting outside his friends house, knowing he is inside. Finally he walked out…and so did she. They were laughing and then started dancing around in the driveway…no joke…just ball room dancing while I hid there and watched…then kissed…and she left. My heart sank. I knew my gut feeling was right. I knew the things he said about her really were weird and that it wasn’t just me…Hurt and fury and every bad emotion flooded through me. What an idiot I was…… Then I text him again…

“You sure are a good dancer. It’s over. Your shit will be at the dumpster behind my apartments.”

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My Father

When I was growing up, my parents use to fight all the time and my dad would hit my mom. I think the main issue in the situation was that they were both alcoholics. My mom got married when she was 16 to my dad..had my sister later that year and me 2 years later…then they divorced when I was 3. I’m not really sure how I remember certain things but I remember them fighting…so don’t ever think your young kids don’t understand when they are that young. Anyway, after my parents were divorced, my sister and I would only see my dad every other weekend when we went to visit my granny, dads mom. My mom ended up marrying my dads old best friend and she got even more involved with bad things like drugs. My dad didn’t pay child support. I’m not sure whether or not it was because mom did drugs or he just didn’t want to pay…probably the later because he got involved in drugs too. He’s always been a slacker when it comes to work. He is very good at wood refinishing. He can make a table that’s been broken right slap in to, look like it was never broken….but he couldn’t make it to the work half the time. When he actually did make it, he would drink while he was there. Maybe that made him work better, or maybe that was just part of him being an alcoholic. Anyway, because my dad didn’t pay child support, he eventually got put in jail. I remember going on Saturday mornings to see him in a local jail with granny and my sister. When ever I was old enough to drive, and he had just gotten out of jail (he was in there on and off my whole childhood because of child support), I remember him calling me…not to talk to ME…but to get my moms number….Then told me he loves me and I need to call him sometime….Another time he called and asked me to take him to get beer in Tennessee because Georgia didn’t sell on Sundays. These are the memories I have of my dad. He wasn’t mean by any means, but it was like he really wasn’t my dad. I’ll be 28 this year. My older sister had a baby that will be 1 in about a month….and my dad has now decided he wants to be a part of our lives. He calls my older sister every so often and she calls him too. He has actually become sober…no more booze or drugs….but he is in extremely bad health. (Liver and kidney problems). My sister seems to be getting closer to him now, but for some reason, I can’t. I love him but it’s like I’m apathetic about calling him or getting close to him…but the thought of something happening to him makes me upset. Like for instance, my boyfriend and I are having a 4th of July party this year and I text and invited him to come. His response was…”I’ll try baby, that’s still a ways off. A lot can happen between now and then.”…and that text just tore me up because he’s been really sick and I felt like he was saying he don’t know if he will even be here then. I cried for a couple hours at work. I bet everyone thought I was a hot mess! Anyway, I don’t know how to handle my situation. I feel like I need to be closer to him but it’s like I can’t. My mind just won’t let me.

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Confused

What to do? I’m so confused. Should I turn right? Should I turn left? Or should I just go straight ahead? What if I turn right when I should have gone left? Or what if I should have just went straight ahead? What to do, I’m so confused. I guess I’ll just go back the way I came.

( A poem I wrote in 10th or 11th grade )

This was the story of my life…and still is. 

 

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Well It’s the start of a new beginning

Life changes. It’s inevitable. Sometimes for the good, and sometimes for the bad…and sometimes you just don’t know. Looking back through the years, I see that the changes I have been though may not have been the easiest, but they have made me who I am today. My first love, lost, but it gave me the chance to find something better. My hard upbringing with parents addicted to drugs and alcohol…not easy but it has made me strong and independent. If it weren’t for all the different things I have been through, where would I be? Unemployeed, on drugs, or maybe even better than I am today. I am thankful for my experiences and the choices I have made. I’m proud of myself.

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